How to get pregnant for the 10th time

People love to leave their mark in the world.Some are doctors and save lives everyday, some win Nobel prizes for extraordinary discoveries, and some fill the Earth with their genetic material — children. Once you reach 9 children, the obvious question is — how to get pregnant for the 10th time? The usual method might have worked 9 times, but having options is always helpful. The following essay will explore such options, and the notion of pregnancy itself (perhaps). Please be advised that it will express my personal opinion only — with or without any previous research.

Some of you might be thinking “My God, how can one even decide to get pregnant for the tenth time?” The answer is easy — they are very rich and have time on their hands. Or they just love children (this notion isn’t completely improbable, I heard it happens). To be honest, it perplexes me no less than it does you.

The first and most obvious way of getting pregnant is copulation (some refer to this act as sexual intercourse). Sexual intercourse should happen when the owner of the womb (a.k.a. the Baby Inn) is ovulating. Do it a few days before and after ovulation for better results. The important thing is not to overdo it, because otherwise the count of spermatozoa may lessen significantly. Once the acts are performed, the people involved have to wait, buy some pregnancy tests, and pee on the test frequently (not both of them, just the one trying to get pregnant). If successful — congratulations, and you can ignore the rest of this essay. If this clinical description doesn’t sound very appealing, I apologise. The next paragraph is for you.

Sometimes sexual intercourse can become mundane, and thus the people might need some additional help. The best help in this case is Romance. Romance is supposed to be expressive and pleasurable. The author of this essay advises the sperm donating person to treat the womb owner to a SPA holiday. They should rent a deluxe room in a SPA hotel, and enjoy all it has to offer — mud baths, couple massages, facials (no, not that ones, they are counterproductive for tenth pregnancy purposes!). Bonus points if the Hotel boasts a Michelin starred restaurant and is located by the ocean, where the couple can enjoy beautiful sunsets while gorging themselves on oysters (well known aphrodisiacs). They can then proceed to their luxurious bedroom and prepare for sexual intercourse. It is highly recommended to have the staff cover the bed with rose petals beforehand, and prepare a bottle of champagne with fresh strawberries and chocolate fondue. The chance of all the sexual acts performed during this week resulting in pregnancy number 10 is 88.79%. The odds are definitely in the couple’s favour (also well deserved after 9 previous pregnancies).

Now that we have Romance out of the way, let’s proceed to more realistic things. If the people involved are tired of the same old process, other options are available. If anything you read further seems impossible or improbable, all you need to do is open your mind, and imagine a different world, one of inexplicable wonders. Who can say what the future holds?

Next option — sperm bank. No one said that the sperm donating person has to be the same all the time, right? This option will allow one to choose half of the genetic material that will make up a baby more freely (if you need to carry the baby to term, you need to make sure it’s composed of the best quality materials, and you know that You are amazing). This route might be a bit tedious, though, as the person getting pregnant will have to go through the ordeal of taking hormones and the insemination will take place within a clinical setting, so any notion of Romance might be forgotten. It is highly recommended to bring your favourite music to the procedure, to calm yourself down. What better way to relax than having Drowning Pool’s “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” playing in the background?

But let’s step back a little and dissect the question itself: Best way to get pregnant for the tenth time. What is pregnancy anyway? Does it have to be the same person the tenth time? Or can we go for more interesting and futuristic options? That is what we explore next.

Option number four — surrogate womb, a.k.a. enjoy the pregnancy without actually experiencing it! Let’s be honest, after 9 babies (I say 9 loosely, as it can be any number, what if it was twins all those times!) the Baby Inn needs to close for some routine maintenance. The pregnancy can be achieved by introducing the sperm and the egg to each other in a little petri dish. If the petri dish date is successful, the resulting embryo can be implanted into the surrogate womb, and spend the next 9 months in a completely new Inn. The donors can enjoy the pregnancy by proxy. But a surrogate womb these days might not mean the womb is located within a human being. With recent scientific advances, the embryo could be implanted into an artificial womb outside a body. In this clear sack representing the womb environment and filled with amniotic fluid, the donors would be able to observe the pregnancy for all 9 months. There is also the Scottish exclusive option — growing the baby in bagpipe! But is it still an actual pregnancy? I expect that with time we will have more and more questions like this — humanity’s scientific advancement is only limited to human imagination.

It would be completely self-centered of us to assume that we are alone in the Universe. Another way to get pregnant, albeit not necessarily the best way, is to have yourself abducted by aliens. To increase the likelihood of such an occurrence, try and find yourself in a middle of a corn field. If you buy a house in the middle of such field, you will increase your chances twofold. Do not forget to follow the blogs of people who report any possible UFO sightings. It will help you choose the best location, and if you want to go one step further — you can follow the leads and just knock on the door of the spaceship. This option is often received with much negativity, but it’s only because of the false media. The aliens who visit Earth are just here to help the humans, further their advancements, and they provide the best care to the babies they help conceive. It’s not like they are trying to rule Earth, or that they implant the babies with some sort technology that would allow them to overthrow all the governments of the world and then select only the worthy people to continue living on this planet. The Schimichorgans are definitely not here for that, and if you hear otherwise, you’ve been misled. Please follow this option if you care about the Greater Good of the planet.

It would be very unprofessional to leave out any traditional means of getting pregnant for the tenth time. Traditional in this case means passed on from generation to generation, great-great-great grandparents to their children and their children’s children. You might find them fantastical, or even impossible, but please turn that part of your brain off and try to understand. Be advised that the main traditions the essay focuses on are the European ones.

To begin with, you might want to wait for shortest night of the year. At midnight, go to a forest and find a fern blossom. If you managed to find one, you have to make a wish to get pregnant, then make your way to a bonfire. Find the person you want to get pregnant with and hold their hand, jump over the bonfire making sure you do not let go of each other, and finally burn the fern blossom in the fire. You will get pregnant within the next month if you follow all these steps.

Another time tested option is to wait until harvest time. Once it’s here, collect some apples and prepare cider or wine. As soon as the drink is ready, leave it on your porch. Make sure it is stored in a silver jug and there’s a silver mug to drink from. Later that night you will be visited by mythical flying creatures called Fėjos, and they will help you get pregnant for the tenth time.

If you really want to get pregnant and don’t really care about the fate of your firstborn (or free will for that matter), you can go into a bog at night and call for Pinčiukas. If you find him, he will offer you some sort of a deal (do not forget to read the terms and conditions and the fine print). Usually, he asks for your firstborn. You need not worry, all he needs is a partner, and someone to play Scrabble with. If you go with this option, you will never see your firstborn. They will not be harmed, and you will be pregnant. Win?

Magic and mythical creatures aside, you might want to get help from some deities. There is a whole pantheon for you to choose from, and the general grandmother advice is to choose the lesser ones. The big and popular deities have no time and do not stoop to the level of humans, and thus rarely ever answer the call. A good option is to employ the deity Austeja. Austeja is the protector of pregnant women and bees. This is an option that will help you, the bees, and thus — the world. As you are aware, dear reader, the bees are disappearing. And not because they are aliens from another planet as Doctor Who led us to believe, but because they get sick, and no one prays to Austeja anymore. To get on her good side you will have to set up at least one bee hive in your garden and plant some bee friendly plants. Once you harvest the first honey from the hive, you will have to cover yourself in it, and wash yourself three times in the midsummer dew. After you finish the ritual, you have to turn towards the rising sun and ask Austeja to bless you. You will get pregnant within the next two weeks, and will have done a good deed as well (and you don’t have to give away your firstborn).

As you can see, there are plenty of options for a womb owner to get pregnant. After reading all of this, one might still ask — why go through so much ordeal for another pregnancy? You have all the rights to ask this question! As the author I will say — there is no best option to get pregnant for the tenth time (except get visited by the Schimichorgans, it is the superior solution, obviously). I will also ask anyone reading this for actual tips to consider why they want a pregnancy — be it in body or by proxy?

I know I will blow your mind with my last suggestion — adoption! As the winner of 9 previous pregnancies, you should know that spreading your genetic material is not the end all thing. Consider adding a person (or two) who needs a family to your little tribe. Not only will you provide a loving home for someone, but you will also avoid all the painstaking methods mentioned above. I feel like it’s a win for everyone. And I know what you’re thinking — please, stop preaching! Well, remember this is my essay and I say what I want. I have provided plenty of options to get pregnant for the tenth time, and adoption is the one the author prefers most in this particular circumstance where we experience wars, global warming, 7.5 billion people, and because the Schimichorgans have not yet come to save us (sad).

In conclusion, do what you must if it’s for the Greater Good!

This essay was written as part of a GISHWHES challenge. Inspired by general observations.

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