I want to be alive.

I wish I could have said my truth, but it kept slipping away from me with no need to chase after. I think I wanted to chase, but the circumstances were made this way — to keep my body frosted and numb. My legs are cluttered in ice cold snow, and the sun doesn’t bring any justice. Everybody Loves the Sunshine. No. Fuck you. You didn’t even try to save me. Did my salty tears mean anything to you, Horus? Your eyes burned right through me. My voice can’t be recognizable because syntax crawls inside-and-out like a ghost whose been prancing around old, wooden chestnut floors. I didn’t want it to be like this, but I became mindful — for all the wrong reasons. I thought my truth would be a form of manipulation and guilt, and no one deserves that weight on them. No one deserves that when they are trying to run free. Am I a bad person for not speaking up? Why didn’t God give me the strength to speak from my heart? He made it your way, Ashna. He made it your way. My fight or flight response stood still. A quiet panic that remained noiseless, but I knew something venomous lived inside there. No one will know the truth, and I have to live with these fallen angels who took over my lifeless body. To be alone is to feel dead. “Lonely people are slowly dying people. SO ALONE I WISH I WAS DEAD, I once wrote in a notebook, but it wasn’t true. I wish I was alive.” — Sofia Samatar, Tender: Stories

I realized I was dead almost a year ago. And no one could help me survive that brutal death. I had a reason for everything. But, I was seen as untamed and unmanageable. I just wanted one ounce of care. Another ounce of reflection. Another ounce of easing. Another ounce of Putting-Yourself-In-My-Shoes. Another ounce of an appropriate touch. Another ounce of “I know why you’re doing this, and I’m here for you.” Another ounce of forgiveness. Another ounce of listening. Another ounce of coming together. Another ounce of Forgiveness. Forgiveness. More forgiveness. Another ounce of calmness. Another ounce of So Much Love. Another ounce of protection.

Even the ones who knew, or I thought they knew. You all wanted me to be dead. It was too late to bring me back since the beginning of time.

/‘hir,āeth/

⚰️💐🌤🌎🕊

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