Living Outside the Circle

I have never felt the air of the Philippines touch my own skin and see the dark sky splattered with twinkling stars although I visit my home country once a year. “I do not make the most of it,” they said. The thought of leaving Saudi Arabia fears me from the fact that every part of my life will change once I stepped away from these lands forever.

Vacations are easy, witnessing the colorful culture of the country my blood was raised from. The thought of experiencing festivals and holidays with my family is ecstatic even though I never saw one yet myself. However, the thought of living and studying there makes me scared because I will be away from my family just to pursue a career for my future in order to stick to the status quo given in my home country I am unfamiliar of.

“How can I live with it?” I thought; I grew up in the Middle East that is unfamiliar with the Filipino pop culture so who am I to relate. It’s a shame for me, though, being a Filipino yet separated from my own brothers and sisters of my generation. The things that makes me Filipino are only my appearance and my ability to speak our language; I’m also lucky enough to understand one dialect.

Their knowledge of me being raised from a foreign country makes me feel like an alien as they ask me if I can speak Arabic — sadly, I can not. I get questions like “Are your parents Filipino?”, “Can you speak Tagalog?”, “Do you ride a camel on your way to school?” a lot. Unfortunately, I feel the same way to the Filipinos living in other countries from the western hemisphere of this planet.

As I roam around our country, various sightings makes me feel uncomfortable for my brain can’t process the large gap between Saudi and the Philippines. I don’t see women wearing abayas and I can’t even wear an abaya myself. There was this instance wherein I saw Arab tourists, wearing a black abaya with their faces covered and a lot of people around can’t avoid looking at them. When I saw them pass by, I said to myself, “Finally, someone to make me feel at home.” I slightly giggled with the shocked and confused faces from the people around.

However, these thoughts inside my head does not kill my Filipino pride. It’s just that the difference between these two countries I love is unimaginable since I’m used to the culture from the said “foreign” country I feel more at home. It’s okay if I don’t see twinkling stars above my head and if I don’t feel the fresh air from the Philippines. I still breathe the same oxygen and beat the same heartbeat as the Filipinos I see once in a while.

I am not the only one who ponder with these thoughts, Filipinos living in different nations do so too. Yet, people with power and knowledge makes solutions in order for our culture shock to wither like leaves as time goes by. Yes, homesickness is unbearable but it will be gone since adjustment does not happen overnight.

My school was given a golden opportunity to join in an immersion program twice, namely YouLeaD. My curiosity with the application for this project peaked but my social anxiety took over since Filipinos studying from diverse countries will get together. However, some of the students in my school took this chance to get to know the Philippines more and witness it with their naked eyes. “It was so fun, I never wanted to leave!” they said.

Sometimes, I regret holding myself to these type of outings since I have the same objective these people wanted to achieve. Yet, I accept that everyone has their own timing and I will encounter the beauty of my nation. I will adjust to the atmosphere of my country someday and take care of my Filipino pride wholeheartedly.

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